On the eve of the final chemo treatment, after one of the busiest social weeks ever, I find myself reflecting on the positives of this medical journey I’ve been on. I’m sure those of you who have been ahead of me on this can attest to the varying degrees that a cancer diagnosis and it’s treatment can challenge you, physically, spiritually, and mentally. As those things go, I’ve been fortunate in that the surgery “got” the cancer out and think of the chemo as the clean up insurance plan. I’ve been fortunate to not feel the extent of nausea that others have described. My hair is coming back, but is confused as to whether it wants to stay. Short gray baby fine strands now litter the shower stall, but haven’t left my pate looking patchy, so for that I’m grateful.

This past week had me visiting with my cousin, Connie and her partner, Rob when they came to Anaheim for the NAMM conference and awards ceremony. We met in Long Beach for fish at King’s Fish House, then I dropped them in the Naples Canal area so that Connie, who is an accomplished water colorist, could take some shots to take home as inspiration. I don’t know when the last time was we saw each other, but the years slipped away as we shared what we’ve been up to. It was great to see her and meet Rob for the first time! We battled the sun for these selfies.

Friday evening I dined with my dear friends, Jim and Laura G. and then we went to see The Importance of Being Earnest featuring our MFA Y3 Actors at the Theatre at Boston Court. It was a terrific production, directed by Finola Hughes.

Saturday morning, I walked and had breakfast with Phyllis M. and it was a great catch up. It’s always tricky for first timers to find where we start, especially when I share the wrong address, but we found each other and made it all the way around. Breakfast at Big Boy’s Restaurant in Toluca Lake was delish.

Sunday evening I had dinner with Rob R – I’m a terrible host, as I’m making all my guests these days eat the Winter Minestrone with Cabbage Pesto recipe from the New York Times – I’ve made it twice in the past two weeks. It is so delicious. They are probably thinking, “Cabbage soup?” After dinner, we went to see Matthew Bourne’s Romeo and Juliet at the Ahmanson Theatre. It was spectacular even from the balcony which was full!

Monday I lunched with my pal, Sara M on campus then went to the PM office for the afternoon, to see my pals and to begin clearing out my desk for the upcoming move into the Dramatic Arts Building, which happens on 1/21/24. I then dropped into the first rehearsal for the first play in the Dramatic Arts Building, which I will production manage when I go back to work. Spending just the afternoon on campus was physically wearing and I realized that the physical stamina required of faculty, staff, and students is something we don’t talk about a lot.

Today I lunched with one of my former colleagues and collaborators whom I hadn’t seen in way too long. I’m forbidden to disclose what we talked about, but there was much laughter and sincerity as we caught each other up on the last 5-10 years! How did our children get to be full-on adults? It was a wonderful conversation that I treasured.

Every single friend, including my dear Susan and Bob with whom I zoom every weekend has lifted me through the past six months and I want to thank you all. My family has been spectacular as well, with visits and multiple weekly walks. You know who you are! And Laura and Jim, I may some day forgive you for this huge box of chocolates you gifted me the other night.

A word or two on chocolate resilience. Resilience is perhaps one of the most useful assets I garnered from my upbringing and education. It is certainly the thing “theatre people” practice (or used to practice). Making theatre is hard, grueling hours, sometimes difficult interactions between artists. There are elements of ego, pride, and the inevitable failures of those elements which can rock you back into a place of uncertainty or imposter syndrome. “Do I belong in this space with these other people who seem to have their stuff/artistry together?” A pretty long time ago, I realized that ego was not a useful element for a stage manager or a production manager. The ability to listen and really hear what your fellow collaborators are saying is critical to a successful practice in both these areas. But the ability to fail and fail again and get up and go back to the table is the resilience that is necessary to succeed in the theatre. I will be applying that mentality to my approach to navigating the physical campus when I return.

I have to give some credit to my latest reading, a book by David Hawkins entitled Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender which has been helping me in this transitional period of shucking off life roles while not losing myself. In the past five years I’ve lost several mantles, including that of Spouse, personally untouched by cancer, and soon, retired Professor of Theatre Practice. One would think that dropping those affiliations would cause you to feel a third of your former self. Certainly, the loss of my life and soul mate was devastating and transformative. Again, through the mire of grief, I felt the support of family and friends, and my mind and heart eventually transformed the feelings of “I am now only half of who I was” into truer thoughts such as “I have so much life ahead to explore what it feels like to be single and whole.” I’ve been able to forgive my body for “failing me” and every day find in it a newly revealed power for healing and restoration. I thrill with the idea of discovering new places to share my energies.

My upcoming retirement is becoming very real, and with it, the separation from a community of faculty and staff and students who have fed me (literally and figuratively) for almost two decades. The truer idea is that those relationships don’t have to go away and the separation from the institution provides it with the opportunity to rejuvenate and find someone new with even more ability to support the growing production needs of the school. With the release of that F.E.A.R. (Future Events Aren’t Real), I can turn myself to the celebration of the future and envisioning what that looks like for me. The idea of celebrating this life moment impelled me to accept the invitation from my high school classmate, Edie Farwell, to attend a visioning retreat in the rainforest in Costa Rica. I’ve never been to Costa Rica, and the timing of this opportunity to reflect and shape future goals with others in a beautiful place like Costa Rica was almost too obvious to pass up. So I didn’t pass it up, but promptly booked the five day retreat.

Vision In Times Of Transition | Harnessing Vision For Resilience, Regeneration & Climate Solutions

Talk about a major time of transition. Let me at it, friends! Time to retool and get ready for the next chapter which will be like most recent puzzle….