“When I’m 64…”

Early on in our courtship and marriage, my partner would croon this classic Beatles’ song. It was our ironic recognition of the wildly unlikely life partnership we had engaged in when he was fifty-six and I twenty-three. When we got together, there was a flurry of disapproval due to our age difference, and having this song between us was a way of shoving that disapproval aside. Of course, when family got to know him, the disapproval whithered away. We adapted the song over the next thirty years to fit Jimmie’s birthdays as they extended to seventy-four, then eighty-four. We didn’t quite make it to ninety-four, but I sure would have needed and “feeded” him then.

It’s hard to imagine that I should now be the age of our anthemic song. When I reminded our son that I’d be turning sixty-four this week he said, “I remember when you were thirty-six and I was running around North Hollywood.” Today I think about those times. He would have been eight that summer my mom passed away from lung cancer at the age of (wait for it)…sixty-four. Her end of life was spent in hospice with my family in our Van Nuys home. It’s creepy to look in the mirror and see my bald head in my current condition and remember her similar appearance in the last fifty days of her life.

STOP WITH THIS DRIVEL! This is my brain remembering the past and shaping a soulful overly dramatic/sob-worthy narrative that isn’t healthy or even remotely accurate. Just Quit it!

My current reading of the importance or Power of Now and A New Earth has given me a lot of reasons to celebrate this landmark birthday in very good spirits. I sipped my free Starbuck’s birthday beverage this morning while reviewing the loving messages from friends in my Facebook feed and texts and emails. A few of my reasons for optimism are:

• My hair is coming back. LOL, I recognize the vanity in starting with that fact. Forgive me. It’s not long enough to yet determine which way to comb the little dark brown and gray fronds that are emerging. But they are sprouting evenly in all quadrants of my head despite the recent Taxol infusion (the culprit for their emigration). I’m still cold and wear a hat more often than not. But you will frequently see me pull it off in exasperated hot flashes which come with regularity. And I have some amazing hats!
• I’ve announced my retirement from USC effective in May 2024. There will be an incredible job with phenomenally caring and hard working colleagues to be posted soon and I’m so excited for the next faculty member to join the Production and Design team at School of Dramatic Arts. I have spent the last nineteen years supporting the learning of our students and their theatrical collaborations and have enjoyed it more than I can say.
• I have one more chemo treatment and have determined that it’s working. What separates me from my Mom’s experience is that she decided to not treat her cancer. Hers was a difficult decision for me to live with but was personal to her life trajectory, given her life-long addiction to tobacco products and her internal metric as to the efficacy of treatment. I remember our lunch at the now-gone Hamburger Hamlet across the street from Cedar Sinai Hospital when she moved to Los Angeles after meeting with the oncologist there and listening to her tell him she didn’t want to pursue treatment of any kind. It was devastating and completely foreign to my vision of what medical care can do.
• I have an open road ahead of me with the gift of time, improving health, and a presence practice to embrace. The retirement HR person at USC asked me yesterday, “have you determined how you will spend your retirement?” I replied that I was excited to have time to see what sparks my interest when I am more idle. This training wheels retirement has been very helpful as a transition. There are innumerable ways to spend my remaining years on this planet and I’m quivering with anticipation to discover what roads I am meant to be on.
• I have supportive and loving friends and family to celebrate the journey ahead. Last weekend, I spent dinner one night with my dear friend Audrey, who was visiting from Florida. I will spend dinner tonight with my brother Don and his wife Terry and my friend, Rob. I look forward to having tea with two dear friends this Sunday. Make every day count.
• February 28th- March 3rd will be the Felix Art Fair in Los Angeles. You can score tickets at the link. My nibling Niki Ford‘s work, both on paper and in ceramics will be featured and represented by the Broadway Gallery of NYC. I’m so excited to celebrate their work again in this important show.

So, as you can see, there is much to be grateful for on this “When I’m 64” date. Making plans for the time I will have and have determined that it will include time to be curious and purposeful and present. Let’s talk about what amazing things we can do together in 2024 and beyond!